every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
