just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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