I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
True college students do jello shots in the library
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
