This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
