Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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