STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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