I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
