fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
