I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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