How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
