girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
