My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
