I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
