good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
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We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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