I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
