I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
