First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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