Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
