I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Floor bacon is actually really good
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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