I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
