I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize