i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
