i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
