Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
