I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
