is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This girl is more easily done than said...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
