I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
