i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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