You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
foreskin is a definite game changer
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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