I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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