There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
