Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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