Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
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I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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