Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
