If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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