I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Houston, we have a squirter
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
