I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
