why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
