This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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