i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
