Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
