I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
