I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
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You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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