my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
