if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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