Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
