Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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