So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
