there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Dear god my vagina.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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