Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
