Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
