If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Randomize
