Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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