there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
