So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
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I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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