There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
