john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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