You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
