I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He felt like a one man threesome
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Houston, we have a squirter
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
