i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
