Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
