If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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