i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
