Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
